i should be shot hm

[alaeaureae.livejournal.com]

You Can't Clear Your History IRL (aka Between a Rock and a Hard Place)
eh lu han this is why you don't give your boyfriend the password to your computer okay.

"Yixing."

"Yeeeees—eep!"

"Zhang Yixing you are. So. Dead."

Lu Han stood behind him with his arms crossed across his chest, the bloody murder promised in his eyes sending Yixing toppling off the chair onto the floor and scrambling for the door. Lu Han stuck out his leg to trip him—Yixing couldn't decide if he was screaming for help or in laughter as he dodged Lu Han's hands.

"I knew it, you were hiding something," Yixing crowed, running into the kitchen. Kris was sitting at the table with a book and a cup of coffee—the look he gave the two of them as Lu Han and Yixing circled the table warily wasn't particularly any more nonplussed than usual.

"You touched my computer," Lu Han growled. He turned to Kris. "He touched my computer."

"So?" Kris turned a page in his book.

"But never mind his computer," Yixing said. "You wouldn't guess what's on his harddrive."

"Yixing, if you say a word, I swear I will kill you." Lu Han lunged across the table—Kris sighed and picked up his mug.

"Why were you on his computer in the first place? If you were looking for porn again try Minseok's."

"No, wait, why—"

"Don't ask him," Lu Han cut Yixing off. "I don't really want to know how he knows that either but I thought we agreed that you'd never touch my computer."

"But I didn't touch your computer!" Yixing protested. Lu Han raised an eyebrow. "Okay fine I used your computer but your external harddrive oh my god just so you know I will never be able to look our qianbei in the eye again, I can't believe that—"

"Qianbei? Which one?" Kris sat up, looking suddenly interested.

Lu Han looked like he wanted to crawl under the table. Yixing grinned.

"And then Jaejoong-hyung and Yunho-hyung kissed, Jaejoong-hyung whispering 'I love you' as his hands went to Yunho-hyung's face—"

"Oh my god shut up."

Kris furrowed his eyebrows. "I don't think he wrote 'hyung', though."

Yixing perked up—"Wrote?"

"Wu Yifan I am older than you—" Lu Han threatened uselessly. He'd settled for burying his face in the table as a compromise, and the table didn't seem very threatened either.

"Why else do you think he has them on his harddrive?" Kris asked, shrugging. A twinge of amusement tugged at his lips as he looked up at Yixing whose face was stuck in the intermediate state of disbelieving amusement and horror. "In case you're wondering, his old baidu account XXXX is still active."

"You are so going to get it," Lu Han groaned.

"Get what?" Jongdae asked, walking into the kitchen. Someone followed him in, and Yixing gulped, eyes widening.

"I, uh, washroom!" He dipped into a quick bow before darting down the hall, before Lu Han even had a chance to turn around. "H-hi sunbae!" By the time he heard Lu Han's muffled but still mortified squeak of "Yunho-hyung!" Yixing was already safely ensconced in the bathroom with the door locked.

"I have to go to the washroom too," he heard Lu Han say. A few moments later, there was a hissed "if you open the door right now I'll forgive you" from the other side of the door.

Yixing buried his face in his arms. "What were you thinking, they're our qianbei—"

"They weren't at the time," Lu Han groaned. "Now let me in because this is all your fault that I can't face him right now."

"Excuse me? Whose fault is this?"

"I'll buy you ice cream if you promise never to mention this again."

Yixing considered this. "Fine," he said, unlocking the door, "but just so you know I am scarred for life by what I read."

Lu Han burst in, slamming the door behind him. Suddenly, Yixing regretted unlocking the door at all. "Um," he said.

Lu Han's eyes glinted. "I still have to kill you," he said.

Yixing stared at Lu Han, then glanced at the door. Talk about a rock and a hard place.






(omake!?)
Outside, Minseok and Zitao had wandered out of their rooms, attracted by the commotion. Jongdae was still staring curiously at the hall that led to the bathroom. "Did they just go in together?"

"Just ignore them," Kris said, shrugging and turning back to Yunho who looked particularly perplexed—as he should've, Kris mused, considering the racket coming from down the hall. "Would you like some coffee, hyung? It's instant, but it's good."

Zitao glanced at Yunho, before he sidled up behind Kris. "Duizhang, why does it sound like Lu Han is killing Yixing and shouldn't we stop him?"

Kris glanced over his shoulder. Considered this. Maybe. "Nah," he said. "Yixing deserves it."

Later that night, when the children and Lu Han were tucked into bed and Kris was in the bathroom washing up, Minseok draped himself over Kris's shoulders. "Poor Yixing," he said. "Is this what he gets for revealing your beauty regimen to the world?"

Kris just scoffed.

Minseok shook his head sadly. "I think he really is scarred for life now, poor child."

"Eh. It could have been much worse."

[15/06/2012 9:33:03 AM] -- ♥: the diary of lu han

dear diary
MY OTP BROKE UP
WHAT DO I DO JAEJOONG ISN'T IN THE COMPANY ANYMORE :<
my life has lost all meaning

erm the full version of what prompted this for the sake of posterity yes